Have you ever wondered why the summer’s news is tediously predictable? Well, the EH can exclusively reveal that all newspapers pre-write the summer news so journalists can sod off to the beach rather than sit in sweaty offices waiting for something to happen. Which it never does.
So here is a sample of what we have already written for the summer:
16th July: The temperature sneaks above 20 degrees and a heatwave is finally declared. First use of “Scorcher” in a headline. Everyone rushes to the beaches and then rushes away again after a killer shark panic on a Devonian beach. The Great White Shark turns out to be a boringly harmless basking shark.
28th July: The heatwave continues. Harold is now hotter than Helsinki.
13th August: A level results day. To save hassle and awkward CRB questions, photographs of delighted female students were taken in April using glamour models. The EH photographer asked them to wear spectacles to make them look more brainy.
18th August: The heatwave continues. Harold is now hotter than Hamburg.
20th August: GCSE results day. The EH has written two articles in advance. One criticising falling standards after record number of A* results achieved; the other having a go at harsh examinations boards for being too tough.
28th August: There is a jellyfish warning. Kiddies’ summer parties are ruined after jellyfish is mistakenly added to jelly supplies. Some areas of North Harold are now hotter than swanky South Harold.
31st August: Bank Holiday Monday suffers the worst weather since records began. Flash floods bring widespread chaos and the silly season is over for another year.