Sky and BT are locked in a fierce battle for the the rights to televise Sepp Blatter’s trial.
Sky are promising to debut their slow-motion car crash technology, and a resolution that could see their new star locked into a 20 year contract, excluding parole.
“This is an exciting event that everyone has been looking forward to for years”, said Rupert Murdoch.
“Trust me, we have a lot of experience in how the court system works. My son James is going to head up this bid.”
With their dominance of the domestic Pay TV market, Sky are expected to win the majority of the coverage.
BT remain bullish, however. They’re focusing on daily coverage of an armoured van driving to court, and exclusive access to Blatter’s sandwiches when the hearing pauses for lunch.
The BBC has decided that in the interest of not having any spare money, they will televise a different trial instead.
“We’ve heard there was some corruption in how the ‘Britain’s Got Talent’ prize was awarded”, said Director General Tony Hall.
“So we’ve asked Clare Balding to host our new show, ‘One Woman and Her Strictly Two or Three Dogs’.”