Ed Balls has dismissed suggestions that he might return to frontline politics, given his current persona and the way he interacts with humans.
Balls, a man with a face like a bottle bank (in that you’re inclined to shove bottles in it), revealed that he’s happy to spend ‘the next month or two’ in the storage unit his wife has paid for.
“Obviously I’m brilliant”, revealed Balls, “but not everyone ‘gets’ me. For instance, the tumble dryer I’m stored with recently caught fire. In a storage unit. With no power supply. The engineer said it was suicide, which is unusual for an appliance.”
Ed Balls has blamed the media for his negative image, because they occasionally turned up and reported the things he said.
“During the election, my popularity received a momentary boost”, said Balls. “And by ‘boost’, I mean a period where it didn’t plummet.”
“And that’s because I was under arrest in Hastings, on trumped-up drug smuggling charges. That’s the last time I carry a tablet for Ed Miliband.”