Theresa May has confirmed this morning that skunks are being kicked out of UK zoos to combat drug use.
“Science has shown that skunk cannabis can have a serious impact on mental health,” said the Home Secretary, as she waved a report that she wouldn’t let anyone else look at properly. “Science! So we’re tackling this problem head on by removing skunks from public view and as a further precaution to address the use of other types of cannabis we’re outlawing corned beef hash plus any vegetarian alternatives bearing the hash name.”
“And as for the Hash House Harriers and their coded talk of weekly hashes, well, they can definitely expect a knock at the door in the near future.”
“Daily use of the strongest types of cannabis greatly increases a users’ chance of having a psychotic episode,” she continued. “Look at our high streets on Friday and Saturday nights, look at domestic violence, crowded A&Es and high rates of unemployment. This drug is ruining our country-”
An aide then whispered something in her ear and the press conference was brought to a swift end.