Pens have been warned they face trial for committing war crimes. Through their ability to produce an army of words and pictures, the weapons of wordsmiths and cartoonists stand accused of upsetting people’s sensibilities, a crime so heinous it provokes murder.
Also in the dock are the co-accused: pencils, colour, and words. Many fear that although it is necessary to stop these weapons of mass thought production in their tracks, doing so will lead to even more radicalised crayons.
“Firing an indiscriminate barrage of words directly into people heads is as dangerous as war,” prosecutors said.
“We can’t be sure of numbers, but we are certain they have been responsible for literally billions of thoughts worldwide. Men, women and children have all been subjected to free thought as a result. These words need to be erased.”
There are calls for a worldwide ban on all word and image creating machinery but radicalised supporters of free speech are calling on others to raise a pen in solidarity.
“I know we say this all the time and people take the piss when we do but it’s the same old story,” a spokesman for the Harold branch of the National Pen Association (NPA) said.
“Pens don’t kill people. People with pens who write or draw something that other people don’t like who then pick up weapons and kill people, kill people.”