Following the news of the separation of Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter, a family court ruled this morning that the pair will be granted shared custody of Johnny Depp.
According to court insiders, the custody hearing was a simple formality, with a standard shared care routine being established, where Depp will spend spend weekends with Burton drawing spirals moodily in the snow with a severed bone, and weekdays screaming maniacally in a padded room with Bonham Carter.
“These things are always hardest when there are vulnerable dependants involved”, explained a spokesperson from relationship counselling service Relate. “Poor Johnny will feel very conflicted at first, he’ll want to show them both how much he loves them, and he’ll probably blame himself for what’s happened.”
“Then the day will come when Tim introduces a new pleasingly gothic-looking actress at the dinner table, and Johnny’s loyalties will be very torn. Of course by that time Helena will have found a new movie director to jump-start her stuttering career, so it’ll be all change.”
“Meanwhile, the best way for Johnny to cope with things is probably just to keep banging out endless limp Pirates movies.”