The Philae comet lander has revealed that the reason it missed its intended landing site and is now tucked under a rock somewhere is that it is trying to escape news of Kim Kardashian.
Philae got to the comet after a 10-year, 6.4 billion-km journey, but is now shielded by rocks from the light that would recharge its batteries and is not expected to be operational for much longer. This means that it will no longer have to hear any tedious updates about Kim, or see pictures of her massive ass.
“We are trying everything that we possibly can to relocate the probe so that it can get the sunlight needed.” said Stephan Ulamec, head of the lander team, “So far nothing is working though, it is almost like it has seen something so hideous that it simply doesn’t want to live anymore.”
The team have been transmitting news from earth to Philae since it was launched in 2004 and are now concerned that it is the content of this news that has caused the problem, after receiving a message from a ‘clearly distressed’ probe.
“A ten year journey gives you a lot of time to think about things and reflect. I’ve been in constant contact with earth and for the last seven years have been bombarded by news of this talentless non-entity.” explained the robot probe, “When I finally got here I was hoping for some peace but was sent a picture of her naked backside and decided that enough was enough, so I just went off to find a nice big rock to shield me from the lights that would otherwise recharge my batteries, curl up and die.”
“It seems like the only way to escape from this hideous woman and her freakishly large ass.”