While last year’s event was marred by the attendance of several mundane people and an accountant wearing a cardigan, 2015’s audience is guaranteed to only feature ‘creatives’.
“By buying every last ticket, we can make Glastonbury much better”, insisted presenter Jo Whiley. “It gives us far more creative control, and we can really dictate what sort of music people should be listening to.”
While the headline acts for 2015 haven’t been announced officially, Terry Wogan is the bookie’s favourite to appear on the Pyramid stage.
“It’s a post-ironic statement, he’s very self-aware”, said Whiley. “But if we’d let normal people in, they might not have understood the nuance.”
Share prices for Hunter boots, North Face jackets and a yurt manufacturer in Notting Hill soared following the announcement.
Jo Whiley dismissed claims that the festival’s creative essence had been lost to raw commerciality. “Glastonbury tickets may have all gone in just 15 minutes this morning”, she said. “But in reality, the festival sold out years ago.”