In a desperate attempt to counter falling membership levels, the Liberal Democrats have loosened their membership rules to welcome sexual predators into the party.
One member, known only as “Lord R”, had his membership suspended after incidents of “inadvertently” “encroaching” upon the “personal space” of women in the “party”, but has since apologised, which makes everything OK.
Party leader Nick Clegg said the Liberal Democrats had been forced to take a “long, hard look in the mirror” since these allegations were made last year, omitting to mention that the mirror in question was fastened to the toecap of Lord R’s right boot, and used primarily while standing behind females on escalators.
He said: “It is clear that a number of women in our party felt let down that the party failed to act on their complaints appropriately. However, the Liberal Democrats have long been the UK’s most sexually-charged party, and it is impractical to assume that our membership will be entirely free from inappropriate gropers.”
“When it comes to party members, we’re desperate and we’ll take anyone. Provided there exists enough doubt to reasonably deny a prosecution.”
“In the cut-and-thrust reality of coalition government, you have to sometimes pay the price of compromising your deeply-held political beliefs, and this is much easier to do while patting a shapely female bottom.”
“Sometimes the shifting moralities that exist in corridors of power make it impossible to tell whether such advances are welcome – we know from our manifesto promises that a “No” can sometimes mean “Yes”, and little signals like a woman running screaming from the room and immediately contacting the police can be very hard to read.”