An estate agents in Harold has been widely criticised by consumer groups for advertising a demon’s anus as a ‘family home’.
Muggins and Traptear, Harold’s second least-hated property sales firm, described the foul outlet of a devil’s spawn as ‘deceptively roomy’. George Evans immediately asked for a viewing.
“I could barely afford the mortgage but I thought I’d seen through their ruse”, he explained. “The word ‘deceptive’ added a frisson of excitement. ‘Is that something successful people look for in a home?’ ‘Should I get in first?’ I was left wondering all the way home. But what I should have asked myself was ‘what is it really?'”
Evans made an offer on the four-bedroom cottage, and was hoping to settle into village life. Little did he expect the Band D rectum to pass stools of pure evil, and smell as sulphurous as a caravan in Rhyll.
‘We did notice that the walls were a dreadful brown colour, and that they heaved slightly when our children leaned against them”, Evans admitted. “We assumed that we could sort that with some tasteful wallpaper from John Lewis. But it turns out they don’t guarantee their products if you use them in the devil’s bowels, and my wife was nearly crushed to death when she tried to nail up a picture.”
The Evans have been forced to move out, due to worries about the health implications. “We can’t sell it and walk away because we’re at the bottom of the market”, George revealed. “Fortunately, we were able to rent it out to a lovely family of scum claiming housing benefit. It’s bedroom tax exempt you see: the government are quite tolerant about giving money to fund evil arseholes.”