UN threatens to shake its fist and say ‘grrr’ if hostilities don’t end

With bold statements such as ‘stop fighting, now’, ‘stop killing children’, and ‘will you stop teasing Ukraine’, the world’s well-meaning but ultimately powerless parent, the UN, has threatened to start shaking its fist in a frustrated manner whilst saying ‘grrr’ if hostilities around the world don’t stop.

“We are in a difficult position”, UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon said. “Israel blame Hamas who in turn blame Israel, Russia’s friends are destroying Ukraine but Russia says it doesn’t know them even though we saw them all drinking together in the park. And God knows what North Korea are up to, we haven’t seen them in ages.

“We’ve tried sanctions on Russian billionaires but who knew they didn’t keep all their assets in one legitimate bank account?

“We even went as far as telling Israel in no uncertain terms that we weren’t angry, we were just disappointed. So all that is left for us to do is to demonstrate with all our powers that we are really pissed off, and that’s why we are going to start shaking our fists while growling.”

Some countries have said the UN should be more decisive in helping to deal with the world’s problems.

America has said it thinks the UN should act to stop Putin in his tracks, a sentiment vetoed by China who what to see Israel punished for its reaction to Hamas, a sentiment vetoed by America.

“It’s quite hard when there are friends on both sides stopping us acting against the other” the Secretary General continued. “That why we have resorted to fist shaking. And if that doesn’t work they can all go to their rooms and sit on the naughty step.

“That will only not be possible if France uses their veto. Although we should be ok as they are outside in the garden sitting on the fence.”

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