Ed Miliband has slammed the leader of the Labour Party’s ability to challenge the prime minister, and wants lollipop ladies and ironmongers to have a go.
Standing in front of a mirror and trying to sound normal, Miliband insisted that the time was right for David Cameron to face up to someone more realistic.
“Reason for change, time for change, a new dawn”, wittered Miliband. “Sustainability, communities, fewer red tape.”
An interpreter for Miliband explained that people are turned off by modern politicians, specifically Ed Miliband, David Cameron and Nick Clegg.
“But even more specifically, Ed Miliband”, said Ed Miliband’s spokesman. “The answer is to keep him on, but get someone else to do the work.”
Ed Miliband will start the new process at next week’s PMQs, by persuading a tramp to stand in for him at the dispatch box.
“David Cameron is aloof, detached from reality and comes across as disinterested in the average voter”, he said. “He’s never shat in a flowerbed, or started a fight with his own reflection. Whereas I convinced Ed Miliband to do both these things during our negotiations for me to swap jobs for 30 minutes.”
“If I’m honest, I’d have done it for a reasonably substantial sandwich. That worries me a bit, I’m sure his heart’s in the right place. But I’m worried he’ll screw up my key lunchtime begging slot outside the newsagents at Kings Cross.”