An outbreak of norovirus at the Commonwealth Games Athletes Village has been welcomed by British sprinters keen to get in a little extra practice before the start of the extravaganza.
According to England’s top 100 metre specialist Kyra Dongle, ranked 867th in the world, athletes should grasp every opportunity to get in some extra training. “You have to remain positive,” she said from behind a locked toilet door. “The rushes to the bathroom are definitely sharpening my sprint starts.”
The Commonwealth Games are an important event given that they represent one of the few opportunities for mediocre British athletes to actually win anything, as the best competitors in the world are excluded because their nations failed to be conquered and ruled by an imperial Great Britain in bygone days.
Although the source of the infection has yet to be established, the local Glaswegian cuisine has been exonerated from any blame. “We can categorically rule out any connection with the sickness outbreak and the food supplied to the Athletes Village,” said a spokesman for the leading catering franchise, “all of our foods are deep fried for an extra 25 minutes to eradicate everything.”
Meanwhile a Scottish hopeful has claimed a new record for the 10 metre dash. “If you have the motivation anything is achievable and I certainly had the motivation on this occasion,” said a relieved Dougal McDougle, “but I’d have been in real trouble if I’d been wearing anything under my kilt.”