Prime minister David Cameron has held a news conference to explain the extra powers given to government to check phone and email records were originally suggested by former News Of The World editor, Tory advisor and now tenant of Her Majesty Andy Coulson.
Speaking to a packed room, Cameron said: “Andy told me some of the gossip available from people’s personal phone records. It’s that kind of knowledge that allowed me to convince Nick Clegg to renege on all his election promises.
“But for the sake of national security it will also be used for serious issues relating to terrorism. Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi is unlikely to try and bring Isis to the UK when we release his pathetically low Angry Birds score.”
Speaking from his cell, Coulson said he is glad his skills and ideas are finally being realised. “My background at the News Of The World allowed me to spend my time inside Downing Street training MI5 to get the personal details they needed from a phone. They are also now fully trained in sleeping with their boss without being caught, but I’ll admit that won’t help the war in terror.
“Hopefully they will now use some of my other ideas such as a sports section at the end of Prime Minister’s Questions and empowering women by making the Queen topless on the new £5 note.”