“Stop using the bloody NHS” Mr Hunt pleaded in a press conference to announce his plans.
“Every time we sort a problem out, patients decide they need to use the service putting pressure on it and making us go backwards.
“Take superbugs for example,” he explained. “We close a ward and disinfect it to the point you could eat attempt to eat an NHS meal off the floor. Granted, the meal would still taste shit, but at least it would be sterile.
“Then what happens? You ill people come in bringing your MRSA with you, undoing all of our good work.”
He then went on to explain that the NHS wouldn’t need to worry about having enough doctors, nurses, back office staff, working TVs and stocked chocolate machines if people didn’t insist on calling on the ‘free at the point of need’ service every time they need major surgery
“Why can’t people just do what I do and call one of your mates in the pharmacutical industry when you need advice, and go to a BUPA hospital when you need treatment. Some ill and dying people are just selfish.”
Mr Hunt insisted that if people don’t stop popping into A&E every time they break their leg or have a heart attack then he will be forced to take measures to keep the standards high.
“I’ll close them. Let’s see you undo our good work then. You can’t have short waiting time and an open and functioning emergency department. It’s your choice.
“How the hell am I supposed to sell this thing if you lot keep breaking it again?”