Canada has called on the UK to stop their historical empire building. Matters have come to a head over the UK’s claim that it invented ice-hockey and that Charles Darwin was an early player.
“When it comes to history the Brits are plain greedy,” said Gordon Campbell, Canada’s High Commissioner to the United Kingdom. “Okay so you’ve stopped stealing actual countries but now you’re all about stealing heritage instead. Ice-hockey is as British as homo milk so hands off.”
“You did not invent everything,” Mr Campbell declared. “So don’t go trying any of that wiff-waff nonsense with us.”
Be it art, science or sport, and despite its impressive roll-call of endeavours, the UK has spent centuries happily taking the credit for many of humanity’s greatest achievements, or trying to. Which is why to this day British schoolchildren learn that the pyramids were designed in London and that Marie Curie lived and died in Cleethorpes.
“Honestly,” a clearly exasperated Mr Campbell continued. “It’s like sharing the planet with a two-year old. Everyone else tries to be civilised then the UK simply runs around grabbing things and yelling ‘mine’ at the top of its voice.”
He added that Canada would happily give up its claim on ice-hockey in exchange for being able to say that at least two of the Beatles were born in Ottawa. However if one of those Beatles is Ringo then Canada says it will also demand the rights to J.K Rowling and cheese.