Accused of burping, sniffing and farting simultaneously and harvesting nose hair with his fingers, the alleged oaf also eats cake for breakfast, it can be revealed.
“Although these activities aren’t illegal, some working at the newspaper think they should be”, said one employee. “Especially those who sit within range of his spittle.”
With theatrical yawns, dandruff and a screensaver of a disquieting baby to contend with, some staff are petitioning for the anti-social stench-bucket to be given his own office.
“We’ve tried buying him gift packs of soap, peptobismol and odour eaters for the secret Santa, but he just put them on eBay”, sighed one journalist. “You’d think by now, he’d have noticed how many air fresheners get left on his desk, and take the hint.”
“But no. He just sits there grazing on cheap meat products and then pretending to lean forward to study his monitor, when we all know he’s just trying to squeeze one out. He seems to think that if he swears at his keyboard under his breath, none of us will smell it. Short of having a quiet word with him, there’s not a lot we can do.”
In other news, a witness has come forward with key information about a murder committed in 1985. They described the killer to police as manky with dirty nails, carrying a Super Ted lunchbox, and not being able to spell ‘halitosis’ properly no matter how many bloody times you tell him.