George Clooney has made his engagement to human rights lawyer Amal Alamuddin official. The actor had long been regarded as the ultimate catch and now he’s no longer available millions of women worldwide are grateful to be able to at last pile on the pounds and go a bit shabby.
“I always did my best to stay trim,” Harold resident and Clooney fancier Jane Hough told us. “Just in case. You never know where these Hollywood types are going to pop up and I always thought that one day maybe…Now I know that’s not going to happen I can let it all hang out. There’s going to be a lot less waxing and tweezing in my life from now on that’s for sure.”
Sat at a table in Harold’s North Korean restaurant The 38th Parallel gorging on an Imperial Pig Dog Special for two, another former would-be Clooney wife, Melissa Barker, said: “It’s a relief more than anything. I can stop wearing my sex pants all the time and go back to my big ‘ol comfy knickers now that George is never going to have a rummage.”
And at the church coffee morning today there was a surprisingly expensive raffle prize instead of the usual tin of biscuits.
“I’m happy to donate my Nespresso machine to the very good cause of raising funds for St Paul’s,” said Rev. Tansy Forster. “I thought it would’ve been a good ice-breaker if George ever happened to drop by for some spiritual guidance or blisteringly hot sex.”
She then stalked off muttering about being a “priest not a nun for ****’s sake” and looking rather tense.