What started out as pomp and ceremony and a little light pecking ended in a near-brawl in Buckingham Palace last night after Irish President Michael D Higgins ‘had a bit too much to drink’ and started coming on to the Queen.
Rumours had previously suggested he ‘might try to get in there’ when Scotland moves out, but it seems he could wait no longer to declare himself to Her Majesty.
“Things started getting a little raucous during after-dinner drinks,” said Harold teenager Melanie Delaney (19) who works part-time as a Palace waitress.
“You could see the President groping the Queen. Next thing, he’s trying to do kissing with tongues with her, except there’s only his tongue involved because the Queen’s far too ladylike to get her tongue out.”
The Queen reportedly brushed the President off and Prince Philip called for security, shouting “Help, the Queen is being attacked by one of the Munchkins from the Wizard of Oz”. Two ‘heavies’ stepped in swiftly to have a quiet word with the President.
“Come on to one’s mother again, my good man, and one will set one’s wife on you,” said the Duke of Cornwall, who had been monitoring the situation closely thanks to his unique ability to cup his ears without moving his hands.
It took no more than a simple look from the Duchess. The President held his hands up, apologised and agreed to be on the next horse-drawn carriage out of there.