The pressure to appear even thinner is behind the “sew-on” dress craze among leading actresses, and while the figure hugging dresses are perfect for the short photo-shoot, they proved to be less than functional in an Oscar night stretching over many hours.
Leading blogger Perez Hilton said everything appeared normal when the stars arrived and chatted with the fans as they walked down the famous carpet, but then the floodgates opened.
“Angelina and co were in dresses so tight they could hardly breathe, and at first I thought their fixed anxious smiles were just the product of a bad batch of botox. But when multiple puddles started forming when no rain was in sight, I knew something was up. The smell then hit me and it was more ‘Bel-Air Old Folks Home’ than ‘Chanel Number 5’.”
Perez said the outbreak of staining was not just the preserve of vain actresses, with Tom Cruise also leaving his mark on the red carpet. Perez was sympathetic to the plight of Cruise who had multiple glasses of lemonade with Scientology friends before the Oscars.
“Tom was unlucky – it was only a trickle and if he wasn’t so short of stature it would have evaporated before exiting his trousers.”
The best efforts by Hollywood to shut the story down were in vain as the staining story was widely leaked on the internet. Twitter is ablaze with people bestowing their own awards, with Cate Blanchett a popular pick for ‘best original puddle’, and Cruise the recipient of the inaugural ‘golden shower’.
Such was the angst of stars trapped in their sew-on dresses, many were seen hoping they wouldn’t win an Oscar lest they embarrassed themselves in front of a billion strong TV audience. The actresses that did win virtually sprinted up the stage and acceptance speeches were mercifully short.
Perez Hilton said the debacle was a timely lesson for image conscious stars.
“When you have to go you have to go – you can’t defy Gravity.”