Following the sad news that 99 year-old Maria Von Trapp has finally succumbed to The Sound of Music, health experts have called for a ban on all musicals.
Maria Von Trapp was the subject of a film about the nazi occupation of Austria, a film that would regularly and inexplicably burst into song. This not only threatened the lives of everyone that was associated with the production with its intolerable levels of irritation, but also won it the title ‘Worst War Movie of All Time’.
Maria was the last surviving victim of The Sound of Music, and she spent much of her life in hiding at home, on holiday or touring the US. But inevitably, the concept of talking, reaching a key plot point and then singing about it in a twee way eventually caught up with her, with tragic consequences.
“When you listen closely to the lyrics, you find yourself thinking ‘Christ, this is awful’, said musical expert Melissa Evans. “But what if you carry on listening rather than, say, sealing your ears closed with a powerful glue? Well, it seems the clues were there all along.”
Evans cites a section of one song as evidence that The Sound of Music was out to get the Von Trapps. “So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, good night. It’s quite chilling when you listen to it with hindsight. Or should that be hindhearing? Either way, it shows we shouldn’t tolerate this muck.”
Other musicals with a near 100% kill ratio include ‘Paint Your Wagon!’, ‘Oklahoma!’, ‘Schindler’s List!’ ‘Braveheart!’ and ‘Mamma Mia!’. “The stars of Mamma Mia are largely still alive, but they’re dead inside to me”, revealed Evans. “It’s only a matter of time before they all get what’s coming to them. Err…sadly?”
Evans has set up a special hotline for people who think they may have been the victim of a musical. “It’s probably too late to save you, but we might as well have a chat about it”, she said. “But whatever you do, when you’re talking to one of our counsellors, don’t suddenly burst into song. No-one does that in real-life. Because if they did, they might suddenly find themselves dead. It’s amazing how musicals can bring out the mercy kill in people.”