In a shock announcement which has delighted the nation, Barclays has confirmed that it plans to create between 10,000 and 12,000 jobs this year, and has decreased its bonus pool by 10%.
Campaigners praised Barclays for showing how a massive company can make a huge difference to the lives of ordinary workers, without doing any harm to efficiency or profitability.
“I suppose this may not be what people expected”, Chief Executive Antony Jenkins told the Evening Harold, “But we just realised that all this stuff about having to pay ever huger bonuses to ‘attract talent’ is actually pure bollocks. It turns out that there are quite a few bright people who would be more than happy to earn 100 grand a year without ten times that as a bonus – who’d have thought it?”
“And seeing as profits in our Investment Banking division slumped 37% this year, did you really expect us to reward these clowns with higher bonuses? What planet did you think we were on, for God’s sake?”
“You’d have to be an absolute effing lunatic to think that spooging great gobs of money on these psychotic chronic masturbators would actually lead to a better deal for the company or its customers. A real screaming swivel-eyed howling crazy…”
Unfortunately at this point our reporter woke up, and discovered that it was all a dream…
Meanwhile, Barclays announced 12,000 job cuts today, and increased its bonus pool by 10%.