The village of Harold is in the grip of a serious health crisis, with ‘disco boobs’ now infecting 35% of residents.
The outbreak has been traced to a single host: an infected out-of-town DJ at 40th birthday party in the Squirrel Lickers Arms.
“The function room was packed with heaving, sweating bodies”, said local GP Doctor Evans. “That’s the perfect breeding ground for diseases like Disco Boobs. I spotted the first symptoms when Eddie’s chest glazed over and started pulsing to the rhythm, but I was too late to stop it spreading by conga.”
Residents have complained that the condition prevents them from sleeping, with most duvets unable to block out the lights. The slightest unexpected music can trigger an episode that can last up to three and a half minutes, and can often end in the splits.
“My practice has been inundated with calls, the phones have barely stopped ringing”, revealed Evans. “In hindsight it was a mistake to use the Bee Gees for our hold music. It can be seriously debilitating and leaves some locked permanently in a wide-legged stance with one arm pointing at the ceiling. We’ve had to prescribe the worst affected with roller boots, so their families can wheel them back home.”
Evans hopes to soon find a cure but has suffered some setbacks. “Laser treatment was a terrible mistake”, he confessed. “All those shimmering reflections just made matters worse. I tried to calm them using some smoke bombs I normally use in my green house. Sadly these two treatments in combination left quite a few of them raving.”
Some experts believe that the symptoms will eventually pass, once those affected reach their mid to late fifties. “Some have responded well to tea and biscuits and a quiet night by the fire”, said Evans. “But key to our research is pinpointing how exactly this disease came about.”
“Scientists have so far eliminated moonlight, sunshine and good times as the trigger”, he said. “But if you ask me what to blame it on, there’s an obvious target. It’s Romanians.”