Tensions were running at fever pitch in the streets of Wimbledon and Godalming last night as middle-class unrest over seasonally-inflated Center Parcs pricing threatened to escalate into a frenzy of Facebook posting and near-audible tutting.
This being the time of year when the reasonably financially comfortable let their thoughts stray towards summer leisure, nice families like us across the country were shocked to discover they faced the stark choice of taking their children out of school a week early or paying a bit more.
Like most companies, the Center Parcs chain tends to try and make money, part of which involves the raising of prices at times when people will pay more. Other businesses like the railways have been doing this in secret for many years, but that’s different.
“I can’t find the words to express my anger,” raged Jeremy Pleasant of Islington. “They can take away our freedom, our pride, but Center Parcs charging an extra £300 for a family villa just because it’s the school holidays is the end. WE’RE NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANY MORE!”
“It’s like the price of ice cream in cinemas – it was £3 for a tiny tub of Cornish Dairy Vanilla with one of those pathetic paper spoons in the lid. That’s £12 for a family of four! I saw the same ice-cream being sold at Waitrose for £1.29! I don’t want to smuggle ice-cream into a theatre because it’s wrong and I’m a good person but the corporate fat-cats are making me do it!!!!”
Police have confirmed they are taking the threat of rioters attacking with improvised weapons of olives and sundried tomatoes, and have already issued all front-line officers with anti-riot balsamic vinegar spray and specially-designed side-handle baguettes.
Jenny Horse, a single mother of two who scrapes a living scavenging in nuclear waste, spoke of her “great sadness” that her fellow citizens were having to endure such barbaric terms and conditions. “I’m not exactly sure what a Center Parc is,” she sobbed, “Or indeed what a holiday is for that matter, but I can only imagine what these poor souls are having to go through. These people to whom I personally aspire can only put up with so much – forget the Poll Tax riots, this could be the new Arab Spring. But without the Arabs, obviously.”