Recent police figures reported in the Daily Mail have suggested “over half of all convicted tube pickpockets are Romanian” leading to calls for better training.
“There are actually fewer Romanian pickpockets than there are British ones, but they are shit at it and are getting caught more often,” one modern day Artful Dodger told us.
“But we’ve been at it for years. People frown at pickpockets now, especially the foreign ones, but once upon a time it was alright if a ‘cheeky chappy’ stole you wallet or handkerchief whilst singing a delightful little ditty. We’ve had years to perfect the art.
“What these Romanians need is to drop their European accents and adopt the ‘cockney’ tones that make crime more glamorous and a posh little blonde friend of Michael Jackson to take under their wing.
“Add a few songs and dances into their repertoire and be friends with a busty lady and then all will be forgiven.”
London Mayor Boris Johnson has used the figures to call for the reopening of workhouses.
“These people should be forced by the state to work for free.” Johnson said. After previous experience in the free-labour sector, Poundland have shown interest in running the scheme.