Pope Francis has been named Time Magazine’s “Person of the Year”, narrowly beating of competition from others on the short list, including Syrian president and alleged war criminal Bashir al-Assad.
The head of the Roman Catholic church has been praised for the way he has pulled “the papacy out of the palace and into the streets” before retreating back in to palace and having some if the finest possessions and food known to man, managing director Nancy Gibbs explained.
“We know the church still thinks homosexuals will go to hell, and that God hates the use of life-saving condoms that could drastically reduce the spread of AIDS around the world, but he does get the bus. What a man.
“The way he took that ‘selfie’ with his followers, well, it’s enough to make you forget he’s the head of the organisation that covered up the biggest paedophile ring in history. He has even promised to ask priests to stop touching children inappropriately. Isn’t he great?”
Vatican spokesman Fedrico Lombardi said it was “a positive sign” that the head of the world’s richest poverty haters is being recognised by the magazine, adding he thought the choice left the door open to bankers, dictators and Stuart Hall to be recognised in the future.
“The Holy Father is not looking to be famous or to receive honours,” Lombardi said. “But if the choice of Person of the Year boosts the donations in Church collections, then he will happily accept.
“Just as long as the award isn’t presented by a women. We may talk about moving forward and equality, but give us a couple of centuries to put it in practice.”
Also in the running was US senator Ted Cruz, who walked out of Nelson Mandela’s memorial service to make a cheap political point and is against poorer Americans having the option of affordable healthcare for their families. The opponent to same-sex marriage and abortion was joined on the list by President Assad of Syria, who was being recognised for the way he has rejuvenated the chemical weapon industry.
Time magazine does point out it included two people that had morals but they had no chance as they wouldn’t have generated the same levels of publicity, and aren’t really that photogenic