Due to unforeseen circumstances we at the EDL are urgently seeking a new leader.
Please get someone to read the following criteria to you carefully before deciding if you would be a good fit for the EDL. Godfrey Bloom need not apply.
Sex: You gotta be a bloke. We love the ladies, obviously, no poofs in the EDL just lots of blokes who like hanging out with other blokes and talking about how much they love men in uniform and watching fit blokes run around after a ball. Maybe sometimes we all get a bit sweaty and wrestle, it’s all perfectly normal and part of being a proper straight bloke.
Besides we can’t have a bird in charge because they all go mental when they’ve got the painters in and we ain’t taking orders off of that. Plus that Shami Chakrabarti is a woman, need we say more?
Ethnicity: Only joking. We hate ethnics.
Physical Fitness: You’re a crusader, a king. You regularly crack one off just thinking about the SAS and you’d join them tomorrow but you’re an obese office worker who exists on takeaways. We understand. It’s not easy keeping trim when the muslims make curry taste so good which is part of their plan to bring this country down. So tonight maybe lay off the naan bread or something, yeah? As long as you’re a lion in your heart that’s enough. But don’t be ginger like lions are. We’re not sure about gingers.
Education: There was this lad from school, right? Didn’t get no GCSE’s or nothing and his dad set him up as a plumber and he makes ninety grand a year so now who’s laughing, eh?
Politics: This ain’t about politics, this is about survival. Muslims want to take over this country and destroy the English way of life.
Fact: they would close down Nandos. Fact: they would stone Doctor Who to death. Fact: they would sell all our rivers to the French. Fact: muslamic squirrels would eat all the grey ones. Fact: the Imperial War Museum would be turned into a mosque. Fact: Prince William would be forced to have loads more wives and break poor lovely Kate’s heart.
These are facts. This will happen tomorrow if we do not act now.
Skills: Must be able to say ‘Islam’s not a race so I’m not a racist’ with a straight face. You must also be able to shout out against the burka loud enough to be heard through your EDL-branded balaclava
Please mark your tattoos on the sheet provided. Successful applicants must have at least one Union Jack or Flag of St George or football team crest.
In the space provided please list your criminal convictions. GBH, ABH and racial abuse preferred.
Best of British luck 🙂