Buckingham Palace confirmed today that the Queen has commissioned a new National Anthem following Mo Farah’s medal ceremony in Moscow. “Enough is enough!” she stormed as the tune’s last notes faded away in Moscow, throwing her hat across the room at the TV but hitting a sleeping Corgi instead.
“Do you know how often one’s heard that dirge?” the rant continued “At least 78,532 bloody times! Ronnie Biggs only got 30 years and then got out early, the crafty sod. But it’s over 60 years with no musical parole in sight for ER2. Doesn’t this breach one’s human-rights? We objected to the yanks playing the same thing over & over to their Guantanamo guests didn’t we? Mind you, that was Metallica.”
“One will tell you what though. If Brian May gets himself up on the Palace roof again and even thinks about playing it, Philip will definitely give him both barrels. It was all one could do to stop him last time.”
Loveable pop guru Simon Cowell has given the Palace impartial guidance on what tune might have the appropriate gravitas and enduring popularity. ‘Jake the Peg’ and ‘Two Little Boys’, as recorded by enduring Royal favourite Rolf Harris, were apparently considered but quickly dismissed. “To be honest, we were a bit concerned about ‘image.’” said one royal equerry “A man wearing a long raincoat offering to demonstrate his extra leg?”
Cowell would not be drawn on whether any decision has yet been made but Palace staff hot-money is said to be on yet another version of Leonard Cohen’s evergreen classic ‘Hallelujah’. “The final choice will be Her Majesty’s – and the Sunday night Final phone-in voters – but I must say it’s got all the right ingredients.” says Cowell. “Recognisable, no-one’s too sure how the second verse goes and recording rights held by Syco. So that’s three big yesses from me.”
“Well four, if you count being very hummable; we can charge royalties for humming it, right?”