The Roman Catholic Bishop of Dunstable has issued ‘a sincere apology’ after recent reports of priestly sexual rummaging. “We have to put our hands up over this truly awful behaviour,” said Bishop Stanislaus McNamee, admitting the church is still struggling to come to terms with news that a local priest has been in a consensual, heterosexual relationship with an unmarried woman from another parish.
The woman has made no complaint and the matter only came to light after the couple were seen spending time together on various activities, including charity work, bird-watching and having a pint of ale at the Squirrel Lickers Arms. McNamee is particularly upset that couple have broken no criminal statute.
“That can’t be right, can it? Why isn’t there a law about this? Clearly we’ll have to have a full enquiry, leaving no stone unturned. However, as things stand – and I know this will be shocking to many in church leadership – it seems their sexual congress routinely involved the use of a penis, a vagina and a condom.”
“I understand the couple used the ‘missionary position’ for their weekly nights of shame,” the Bishop explained, “but as you’ll readily appreciate, that’s not something Mother Church is too familiar with from the more usual priest/schoolboy arrangement.”
“What we find almost unforgivable is that there was no element of coercion or abuse of trust in this case. No group of soapy boys in the communal bath, say, following an invigorating game of full-contact rugby.”
Bishop McNamee was unavailable for further comment due to a choir practice commitment.