Harold scientists Rachel Guest and John Goody have today announced that after many years of trials and research they have developed a cure for the Daily Mail.
“The Daily Mail has blighted lives for over a century” said John Goody. “We’re very proud to have beaten this scourge once and for all. Hopefully soon the sidebar of shame, the hideous use of the phrase ‘all-grown up’ to justify sexually objectifying children and a crazed love for declaring that anything, absolutely anything at all, can give you cancer will be just a bad memory.”
“It was the website that did it,” said Rachel Guest. “Once Mail-Online became the most popular ‘news’ site in the world we knew that the epidemic needed to be contained and then ultimately the disease eradicated. Now future generations will be spared a constant stream of misogyny, right-wing bile and an unceasing parade of pictures of the Third Reich for no good reason other than the editor seems obsessed with Hitler which, I would argue, is rarely a sign of mental robustness or of not being a creepy arsehole.”
The cure is a simple pill that needs only to be taken once which will change the readers perception of what they are seeing.
“The trigger is the Daily Mail masthead or online logo,” Guest explained. “Once the brain registers one or the other it will immediately cut through the bullshit and replace the words and pictures with a single image of a small group of people who don’t like anything or anyone outside of their own narrow life experiences joylessly shouting into the wind because in essence that’s all that the Daily Mail is. Repeated attempts to read it will see the image change to either a large mixed race family on benefits sat in a very expensive house eating swan or a woman who is genuinely happy.”
“We’ve also developed a cure for people who claim they read the Daily Mail ironically,” said Goody. “They still get the pill but they also get a slap. Two if they claim that’s also why they watch X-Factor.”