Villagers in Harold are being asked to keep an eye on vulnerable neighbours who might be tempted to carnival in sweltering temperatures.
With the mercury rising and the sun beating down, some members of the community could be tempted to make the most of the weather. But Councillor Ron Ronsson warned against such infuriatingly continental behaviour, and urged residents to maintain a stiff upper lip.
“The elderly and the young are at the greatest risk of making the most of this weather”, insisted Ronsson. “Because the rest of us are stuck working in the office. But while al fresco dining and lively music might seem a good idea at first, I’ve got one word for you all: ‘wasps’.”
Ronsson gave some tips on how to avoid succumbing to a calypso, if a spontaneous one should happen in the street. “Keep those windows closed to keep the noise out, and considering popping on an extra jumper”, said Ronsson. “That will help remind you that winter’s just around the corner.”
Doctor Evans is holding an open surgery for patients who are considering a barbecue, or removing an outer layer of clothing and saying ‘ooh, this is nice’. “I can scare them with stories about skin cancer and prescribe them powerful depressants”, said Evans. “The queue is already pretty long and I’ve disabled the air conditioning, as a precaution.”
Anyone who feels a mardi gras coming on or thinks they might be suffering from grass skirts can attend a council workshop to correct their opinion of the weather. “We’ve ordered lots of Ralgex to rub in and we’re giving out mugs of warming soup”, said Ronsson. “We’re doing all we can to suck the joy out of this heatwave.”
“My assistants will be happy to see you in a stifling portakabin we’ve left in the middle of a baking car park. Now if you’ll excuse me I have an urgent meeting: there’s an AGM in Mayor Jackson’s hot tub.”