Older generation despairs over launch of female masturbation app

When we asked the internet for images on the theme of female masturbation to go with this story one of the first pictures it gave us was this one of C.S Lewis. He is, of course, terribly sexy but we were still quite surprised.

When we asked the internet for images on the theme of female masturbation to go with this story one of the first pictures it gave us was this one of C.S Lewis. He is terribly sexy but it was still quite a surprise.

The news that an app has been launched to encourage female masturbation has been met with despair from Harold’s older generation.

“Young people today,” grumbled Ruby Butler, 83. “They’ll need an app to tell them when to breathe in-and-out next. In my day we didn’t have iPhones explaining at us about having fun with our otter’s pockets we had to make our own entertainment and it was lovely.”

“When my daughter moved in with her young man we had a frank conversation,” recalls Doris Kettle, 67, “I told her to always make sure she had time for herself and she said not to worry and that she’d definitely carry on going to Zumba class with the girls. Eventually she understood and then said that it didn’t matter because couples don’t have the same need for masturbation as single people. As you can imagine we all had a bloody good laugh over that one at coffee time when I went to Mothers’ Union.”

“It first happened for me during The Blitz,” said Elsie Duggan, 86. “It was such a terrifying, horrible time but one night I was stuck in the Anderson shelter on my own for hours and once the candle ran out I had nothing to do. The Luftwaffe were bastards but without them I might not have discovered how good playing with my Isodora Duncan felt for years. You tell this to young women today and they just don’t want to know. They go on about feminism and equal rights but then get all coy about their Bootsie & Snudge. There’s nothing wrong or shameful about it and instead of all this endless talking and app-making they want to shut up and get stuck in.”

“I’ve seen this new app and it’s bobbins,” proclaimed Harold’s very oldest resident Dorothy Jackson, 102. “Far too clinical and then far too-explicit. Whatever happened to taking your time and letting your imagination wander? Balls to Fifty Shades of Grey all a sensible woman needs to get off is to have a little think about Gregory Peck and if that’s accompanied by a large gin-and-tonic so much the better.”

The Evening Harold approached several much younger women to comment on this story however on learning of its subject matter they all declined.

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