‘We never had breastfeeding when I was a lad. Not with there being a war on,’ said lifelong Haroldite Tom Stalling. ‘My granddaughter just had her youngest christened; afterwards we had a bit of a do in the Squirrel Lickers and she breastfed little Alfie during it. It’s easy in pubs, you just avert your eyes and head to the bar as soon as woman with a baby in her arms undoes a button.’
A dissenting opinion was expressed by Professor Julia Hogsburn. ‘Yes, yes it’s all very natural and delightful I’m sure but my problem with it is that women who breastfeed in public usually turn into one of those women. The sort who can’t imagine that we’re not all entranced by this wonderful example of motherhood and would prefer to get through our day without someone waving their boobs around and babbling about latching on as if it is something other than meaningless.’
The younger generation of Haroldites appear to be much more enthusiastic about public breastfeeding if seventeen year old Simon Delaney’s reaction is anything to go by.
‘You’re asking me if I’m against women getting their tits out?’ he said incredulously. ‘That’s like asking if I’m against tagging photos of my penis on Google Maps.’
It was an incident in the café run by Delaney’s parents, Veggie! Veggie! Veggie! which set the journey towards the ban in motion when Alan Newnham, 43, was arrested along with a young woman he claimed was his wet nurse having engaged in what police described as “a lewd and offensive display” which resulted in milk being partially sprayed over a tray of oatless goji berry-and-dragon fruit flapjacks and one customer going into shock.
‘Infantilism is a kink, not an illegal activity,’ confirmed PC Anita Flegg. ‘But following several more incidents a new law has been passed and so Alan Newnham, or anyone else, can and will be prosecuted.’
‘I’m pleased about the new law,’ Majorie Houndstooth told The Evening Harold. ‘Not because it’s put a stop to that silly man but because it’ll put a stop to women breastfeeding their babies. A baby drinking its mother’s milk, it’s just not natural.’