With the revelation by the Nestlé chairman, Peter Brabeck, that the world’s problems could be solved by the privatisation of water, a local bottled gas company has announced their plans to bottle all of the breathable air and sell it back to the residents of the world for a small profit.
“With air being a natural resource, like water, coal and oil, one day it will become sparse” the entrepreneur, Fred Dilby told us. “but if we can control it in the very best spirit of capitalism, then one day the village of Harold could become as powerful as Russia”.
Similar to the Nestlé boss, who believes water is not a human right and should only be available to those that can afford it, Dilby has stated that air is only a commodity. “We plan to gain control of the World’s atmosphere so we distribute it fairly, to those that pay” he continued, before warning “if we catch anybody using their bodies to store breathable air, then we will sue and look to take custody of their lungs.”
Human rights groups have been very critical of the plans to bottle and commercialise products that basic human life relies on. However Dilby remains stubborn and even claims to be saving lives. He believes that all the airborne diseases and pollution that are in ‘air ore’ would all be taken out of the finished product. He also plans to release ‘diet air’ for hay fever sufferers.
According to Dilby “this product will be so delicious, people around the world will be gasping for more”. Nestlé’s Peter Brabeck has backed the local businessman’s effort saying ‘anyone that can come up with such a ridiculous argument to make a profit and deprive the poor is a breath of fresh, bottled, filtered, over-priced air’.