Alarmed at the total capitulation of the Toon Army to the fascist-led Sunderland regime, the village of Harold has set up a Home Guard to see the invading Black Cats off.
“We saw how Newcastle coped with just eleven men armed with nothing more than a swagger and a gob of spit” said bank manager and Home Guard leader Noel Clarke. “You need more than that to repel the serious threat of a Di Canio knee slide.”
With young people pre-occupied with mastering binge drinking and sharing Facebook spam, it fell on the older members of the village to form the core of the Home Guard. An eclectic mix of bank staff, and small businessmen stood ready to give fascism the heave ho.
Local butcher and councillor Bob Crossly, a veteran of football aggression in the 70s, appealed for calm saying “don’t panic” over and over again, before adding, “those Mackems don’t like it up em, excepting carrots of course.”
Concerns that their antique weapons would be no match for the aerial supremacy of Di Canio’s Sunderland forces were dismissed by village undertaker Carmen Hilton.
“We should see them off with the combination of World War 11 rifles, the two Trident missiles that the owners of Veggie! Veggie! Veggie! liberated during a CND protest in the early 80s, and Peter Crouch.”
Harold mayor Rufus D Jackson, speaking at a meeting at the Village Hall, said that while he admired the bravery of the villagers in the Home Guard, he preferred the option of keeping a low profile given that Harold still doesn’t appear on any of the commonly available Sat Nav devices.
But he was soon drowned out by enthusiastic members of the Home Guard who burst into song.
“Who do you think you are kidding Mr Di Canio
If you think we are on the run
We are the boys who will stop your little game
All that arm waving and knee sliding will be in vain
‘Cause who do you think you are kidding Mr Di Canio
If you think old England’s done”