This year looks like being the most open Grand National for a while, with a mixture of sad puns and frankly disgusting rudeness battling it out over the famous 84 furlongs. But who to bet on? Well, that’s the whole bloody point, isn’t it? So let’s meet the horses.
Jockey: P. Yaffle
Sure to win “Best Turned Out”, but does the 43 year old filly still have what it takes to go the distance? No.
Odds: Gabriel the Toad
Our verdict: Mouse organ
Jockey: The Duke of Kent
The 12 year old from the David Pipe yard was 10th in the 2012 National, with high hopes that he can do better this year. This horse likes the firm going, jazz music and girls that aren’t afraid to cry, and would like to do more work for the Tesco’s Economy range.
Our verdict: Not a fucking chance
Jockey: Merkel Himmler
Had two decent run outs in February which should boost his Grand National performance. Unfortunately is economically fucked, and you wouldn’t go near him with mine, frankly.
Our verdict: Save your money. Under a mattress.
Jockey: Willie Arson
One of the most obviously rudely-named mounts in this year’s race, by Pete out of Dudley. Unsurprisingly good in the wet, likes a big one up her.
Odds: Very good
Our verdict: Worth a tumble
Jockey: Mr Jan Moir
Has been allowed to run free and prosper at the expense of all the honest, striving horses. Would probably do better if you cut off its goolies. Likes the easy going a bit too bloody much if you ask me.
Odds: 1/4 on
Our verdict: Off with the goolies.
Jockey: Nigella Lawson
Represents good value at 2.99 to 1, expected to go well with a nice Romanian chianti. Wary punters might feel that it’s a fucking scandal, the biggest food company in the land standing over us poor punters and metaphorically pissing in our hungry mouths, but don’t let that put you off.
Jockey: D Bader
May not have the legs for this one, and bloodythirsty killers often perform badly on the gruelling Aintree circuit. Refused at Becher’s cattle grid last time out.
Odds: 15/20 years
Our verdict: Don’t shoot me.
JUMPIN’ JACK FLASH
Jockey: Infact Itsagas
Born in a cross-fire hurricane and howled at its ma in the driving rain but it’s all right now.
Odds: Raised by a toothless, bearded hag
Our verdict: More a Rolling Stones song than a horse, unlikely to figure strongly unless our reality is invaded by the Jagger Dimension again.
Jockey: Half the bloody cast of ‘Saturday Night at the London Palladium’, apparently
Not much written about this ageing beast, largely for legal reasons. Whatever the result, unlikely to be put out to stud.
Odds: Going down.
Our verdict: Unavailable for legal reasons, but let’s just say we’re not talking wooden horses anymore.