While poorly attended in other parts of the country, in Harold the line outside the village hall for the X-Factor auditions stretched almost to The Squirrel Lickers Arms! Sadly for Simon Cowell, on closer examination hardly anyone was there in the hope of impressing the man who has done for music what Kevin Spacey’s character in Se7en did for Milton.
‘I’m looking to get stuck in,’ said Connor Evans, who’d been queuing since six am. ‘My GCSEs weren’t good so this is me leaving this shithole and taking it to the Taliban.’
His disappointment on being told that the queue was not to join the Royal Marines as cruel so-called friends had led him to believe was a sight that moved everyone nearby, apart from the gang of cackling teens who filmed it on their phones then gleefully shared it on Facebook.
Youth was well represented in the queue with the entire Year Eight sixth set for English from The Shining Future Academy and IT Achievement Haven (formerly Harold Comprehensive) being marched into line by their teacher, Sam Pierce who said, ‘I don’t care anymore, I just want the little bastards gone. Please God make it stop.’ Sadly for Mr Pierce the minimum age for X-Factor contestants is sixteen and he was forced to take his class away with his threat to turn them loose in the High Street coming to nothing due to the heavy police presence of PC Flegg.
After six hours the producers called time on the auditions with one being heard to say ‘I’ve never seen anything like it. We’ve had pensioners complaining about the Post Office, families wanting to know if we could get them tickets for Ant and Dec’s Saturday Night Takeaway and an enormous farmhand who wanted a lock of Louis Walsh’s hair.’ Exasperated she shouted at colleagues. ‘What’s wrong with these people. This is X-Factor! They all behaved as if it didn’t mean anything.’
The producers are hoping for a better result tomorrow when auditions will be held in Dunstable and according to one: ‘The hicks there get excited over any old shit. After all that’s where we get the audience for Splash!‘