‘Nothing to see here, move along’ says PM as whole social mobility board quit

I know what you’re doing under your desk. Just stop it.

Theresa May says there’s no story behind the mass resignation of the only team within government that has even a pretence of caring.

“Rather than criticising imperceptible progress toward a fairer society,” said Mrs May “why not just replay YouTube clips of my first speech as PM, when I vowed to tackle social injustice and inequality. ‘Where there is hope may we bring … no, not that. Err … my Steps of Downing Street one.”

In power, presentation is more important than substance, said Mrs May, highlighting successful examples such as Boris Johnson’s ‘I fully support Theresa May’, Tony Blair’s ‘I’m a pretty straight sort of guy’, and George Osborne’s ‘Living Wage’.

Downing Street made it clear over the weekend that Mrs May strongly believes in a fairer and more equal society. “The Prime Minister prays about that every Sunday morning.” said her official spokesperson “Sadly, she isn’t in a position to change things herself and God seems to be more interested in Brexit”.

“Oh, and Damian Green’s internet browsing history, of course. The dirty sod.”