Labour hopes fitting foglamps will help party move forward

Somewhere ahead a bearded man is waving a red flag

Labour seems to have lost contact with its leader, in a dense fog.

A kindly-looking bearded man, thought to be Labour’s leader, was last seen waving a red flag aloft, before disappearing.

According to an Evening Harold senior lip-reader, the man  had mouthed a soundless “This way everybody, follow me…” then strode off towards who knows where, whilst the party itself was looking the other way, whistling softly, and remaining completely static.

Murmurs of “F**k that for a game of soldiers, I’m staying put.” could also be heard, faintly, above the noise of tumbleweed blowing past.

“Being lost in a fog is no excuse” said deputy leader Tom Watson, fumbling in his pockets in case he’d remembered to bring a road map. “But first things first, we need to find out where our leader is. So we can tell him we’re not following him.”

Watson says the party is  fitting heavy-duty foglamps to try and see where their leader has gone. “No, only at the front. There’s no one behind us.””