Prison suicide rates disappointingly low says Cameron “We can do much better.”

You there, just stop it. Pfft, this rehabilitation is a piece of piss

An array of prisoner rehabilitation schemes, that won’t actually happen, has been announced by David Cameron. These won’t begin later this year, in several poorly managed pilots.

“Evidence shows that carefully planned, targeted  initiatives can reduce reoffending.” said the PM “Putting them into practice costs money though, so we’re just going to talk about them instead for publicity, which costs us nothing … this is my best side, thanks.”

“Think of this as the criminal justice system’s Northern Powerhouse or Troubled Families Programme; it will get lots of  attention but won’t really exist. We’ll be not teaching anger management strategies, rather than not teaching people how to read and write.”

The PM also believes prisoner suicide rates are appalling, with one such death each week and hundreds more attempts. “Self esteem is vital here. Basic, cost-effective information would help potential suicides make a much better fist of it; killing themselves might be the only thing at which some criminals ever succeed and nothing is better for self-esteem than success.”

“Iain Duncan Smith is going to draft guidance notes, based on the DWP’s success in this area with the disabled.”