Apple to remove headphone socket because company run by demons

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Apple is rumoured to be removing the standard headphone sockets on its new iPhone because the whole company is run by demons infesting the thirteenth plane of hell who want to punish the human race, it emerged today.

The 3.5mm headphone jack is currently located on every man-made object in the world, and was voted ‘2nd most useful item known to humankind’ last year, coming in just after air.

A spokesdemon for Apple refused to comment on upcoming products, but did confirm that ‘the humans up in the land of daylight have had it easy for too long,” adding: “BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA”. 

Apple-loving consumers seemed intially relaxed about the rumour. “To be quite honest, I am a blinkered fanboy who would happily purchase a lump of camel excrement if if came with the Apple logo,” explained typical person Brian Renfrew to journalists.

“Although the bit about demons does at least go some way towards explaining iTunes.”