Public advised to avoid dangerous attacks by standing in front of Chelsea strikers

The only way for the UK public to be completely safe from dangerous attacks is to stand in front of Chelsea strikers, preferably in the goal, according to Metropolitan police chief Sir Bernard Hogan-Howe.

“Today’s Leytonstone station attack shows that the risk of terror attacks remains very high. The best way to be safe from attack is to position yourself in front of the Chelsea strikers as near to the goal as possible. Standing near Chelsea’s toothless midfield is also quite a good option” said Sir Bernard.

AFC Bournemouth fans echoed the police advice saying they felt perfectly safe based in the Bournemouth goal, although they did report some sore ribs from laughing at Chelsea’s ineptitude.

“Sure the ribs were a little tender, but that was soon eclipsed by the warm glow of schadenfreude from seeing Jose Mourinho squirm” said Bournemouth fan Gavin Phillips.