Putin ‘spends nights searching for gay porn sites to ban’

Down with this sort of thing

Kremlin insiders have revealed that Russian President Vladimir Putin spends most of his evenings fearlessly trawling through the internet to find gay porn websites, so that he can have them blocked by his IT experts to prevent normal citizens from having to see them.

Russia is considering a ban on “gay emojis” – small cartoon pictures of people who happen to be the same sex – out of understandable fear that the tiny images might turn everyone homosexual.

The Russian president, however, has taken the further step of identifying every gay porn site on the web, the better to have them removed from the county’s internet.

“His stamina is incredible,” gushed one Kremlin insider. “He has investigated nearly every man-on-man site accessible from Moscow, at least the ones where the videos don’t take too long to download. We see him staggering down from his office in the mornings, barely able to hold himself upright.”

“Here is a man who can take it like few other men could.”

Putin’s enormous appetite for information has seen him exhaust the vast majority of the world’s gay porn, forcing the Kremlin to establish its own movie studio to produce enough output for the President’s continued researches.

Not content with saving Russia from cartoons and porn, Putin is now said to be seriously looking into whether western culture in general is putting the country at risk, and in the interests of research has purchased a Village People album, a pair of leather chaps and, confusingly, the box set of Mission Impossible films