Not to mention the pot holes…
While scientists are over the moon with their discovery of a water lake on Mars, residents of North West England have expressed disappointment that their hosepipe ban will not be cancelled.
“Water on Mars isn’t really going to help with the regional water shortage,” said a spokesman for United Utilities.
“Our job is to manage the water here in Lancashire and we’re not very good at that, so you can’t honestly think, as some have suggested, that we may as well try to run a pipeline from Mars. Not without a feasibility study anyway.”
In a major U-turn, Football Association chief David Bernstein has agreed that Margaret Thatcher will be honoured with a minute’s violence at this weekend’s FA Cup semi-finals at Wembley Stadium. The fact that both matches are North – South encounters only adds to their poignancy.
Chelsea hard man John Terry welcomed the chance to honour Thatcher, and said he hoped to do a two-footed challenge on Manchester City’s James Milner.
“There are no guarantees, but if I get the timing right, I could end his career” said Terry. “Another Northerner on the scrapheap would be just what Maggie wanted.”
“If I can steal milk from a small child at half-time, it will be even better.”