Tag Archives: Liam Neeson
Immediately accused of racism by several witnesses, Neeson was today frantically giving interviews and trying to explain that it was a complete misunderstanding, and that he is definitely NOT A RACIST.
“I feel terrible, it was a complete accident, and now everyone thinks I’m a racist,” he explained to reporters. “It could have happened to anyone. My housekeeper is a lovely woman but a little careless, and I had no idea that patch of dirt was right there.”
“And now everyone thinks I’m a racist. I’M NOT A RACIST.”
“It’s just bad luck. I mean, it’s not like I said I hate black people or something, is it? Only a racist would say a thing like that. Which I’m not.”
The nail-biting wait for the Duchess of Cambridge’s baby has proven too much for a a rag-tag bunch of mavericks, who have sworn to “go in there and get that damn baby out, or die in the attempt”.
Bruce Willis, Liam Neeson and Sylvester Stallone announced at a press conference this morning that they “were not prepared to sit here doing nothing any longer”, and are therefore planning an immediate raid into the inner depths of the royal womb to get the baby out, “whatever it takes”.
“Don’t try and stop us,” insisted Willis to horrified journalists, “We’re going in. And we don’t care how messy it gets. Yippee-ki-yay, Mother.”
Medical experts insisting that the pregnancy should be allowed to run its natural course were dismissed as “typical commie liberal do-nothing handwringers” by Willis, who pointed out that this was exactly the kind of nay-saying objection he experienced before his mission against a gigantic asteroid in the movie Armageddon.
Stallone was just as quick to overrule any suggestion that it might be tricky for three beefy men to gain entrance to Kate’s vagina, not least when tooled up with the impressive array of ropes, spotlights and specialist diving equipment they are planning to use.