Jeremy Corbyn has used the Westminster summer break to assess how he’s handled allegations of Labour party antisemitism. “I asked Shami, who said ‘You’ve done very well, Jeremy’. She’s studied the subject so, good enough for me.”
“We’re not complacent, even though it took five years to deal with Ken Livingstone but only five hours to put the skids under Margaret Hodge. So we’re making progress. Did I say ‘making progress’? I meant to say ‘maintaining momentum’.”
“It takes a special knack to draw attention away from a massively riven Tory party and onto flaws within the opposition. Especially if you are that opposition. I think that shows we’re as credible as the Tories as the next government.”
In other news, Theresa May has denied sticking pins into an old Obi-Wan Kenobi doll. “If Corbyn has been feeling a prick, it’s not my fault”.
“Do you honestly think I could come up with anything as successful as this?”