Paul Dacre, who edits the Daily Mail and pretends to be a journalist, is trying to make up for all the lies he didn’t tell about Jeremy Corbyn in the 2017 election campaign.
“I’ve had to learn to forgive myself.” said a tearful Dacre “So many chances to commission a hatchet job so mendacious it would see a trainee hack kicked off any decent course.”
“If I’d thought he was going to popular with voters I’d have taken one or two more LSD tabs for inspiration but I could only come up with things from The Beano.” said Dacre “Luckily our readers aren’t that bright, so it still worked pretty well.”
“I’m making up for lost time now though.” assured Dacre. “Last week we focussed on his responsibility for the Cold War. Next week we’re going with him being behind the Falklands War and personally sinking the Belgrano before Maggie came in to save the day. Gawd bless her.”
“Assuming that goes well, we’ll be revealing how Corbyn was responsible for Princess Margaret’s doomed love affair with Peter Townsend in the 1950s. And we’re pretty sure he introduced Yoko Ono to John Lennon. We might save that one for later – what date was he shot?”
“That should be enough to get me a knighthood. I mean, Sir Bruce Forsyth – ffs,