There is relief across the globe this morning as the UN has confirmed that the Elf on the Shelf is now subject to a global travel ban on the grounds that it is horribly creepy shite.
“This ban will keep our children safe,” said António Guterres, Secretary-General of the United Nations. “This ban will keep all of us safe. Since 2005 the Elf on the Shelf has forced it way into countries who do not want it and do not share its values and has attempted to brainwash people into living by the rules laid out in its book.”
“This is an affront to decent societies who know that Christmas is for over-eating and families slumped in silence in front of individual screens. The Elf must stay in the United States where its message of rampant consumerism and being under constant surveillance is as popular as the Twitter account which governs that country.”
“We will now consider extending the ban to other undesirables from the US,” said the Secretary-General. “Starting with pretty much all of the food.”