Language experts have welcomed Philip Hammond’s use of simplified English to explain esoteric financial matters to the general public.
“I struggle to avoid glazing over when economists refer to complex fiscal concepts like ‘contingency fund’,” said literary critic Peter Pentop, “but the idea of putting petrol in the tank before embarking on a car journey suddenly makes everything clear. I guess he’s putting up fuel duty from midnight.”
Hammond says he will use the budget to put some flesh on Mrs May’s ‘sharing society’ idea.
“Half of them voted for Brexit, so, to put it in plain English, they’re getting nowt,” said the Chancellor, “and the other half failed to dissuade the Brexiteers, so they’re getting nowt n’all.”
“They should all have thought it through,” he continued. “If they hadn’t been so stupid, George Osborne would still have been Chancellor and he was going to give everybody a brand new 55” Ultra High Definition 4K TV each. So there.”
In his budget speech reply, Corbyn is expected to talk about the pitiful sight of an old man on his last legs, gasping for oxygen and barely surviving on life support in intensive care. “I’m talking about the NHS,” he felt it necessary to clarify.