Staff at Harold Save & Prosper have defended their decision to put office manager Sam Woods in a wicker man on the grounds that it was unreasonable to expect them to tolerate an adult who genuinely enjoys Christmas.
“She kept saying that it was nice to have something to look forward to in the winter and that giving gifts made her feel warmer than a radiator then she’d do a weird snorty laugh. What more justification do you need” said co-worker, Sarah Stanger.
“Every year we bitch about how tacky and awful Christmas is and how much we hate the expense, the shopping, our families, crappy presents and ourselves for eating too much. That’s our tradition and we all look forward to it,” she explained. “Sam kept ruining it by talking about how decorations make everything so pretty and that she thought it was sweet the way both her and her husband’s parents were demanding to see their grandchildren on Christmas Day despite living four hundred miles apart. She said that the long drive gave her, Tim and the kids lots of time to enjoy each other’s company and sing carols. There’s no way that’s natural so we had to burn her.”
The lynching was halted before reaching a fatal conclusion when the wicker man failed to catch light. Laughing happily Sam Woods was last seen heading off to buy some fairy lights to brighten it up while her colleagues trudged back to the office in the rain.